i don't like this feeling...

really. i don't.

it's just that i am having this feeling of leaving.... leaving a school perhaps?
i don't know...
but i'm thinking of my students.

i admit. even if most of my students are naughty, hard-headed, SOOOOO noisy and talkative, and sometimes immature, still, they are MY students.

but i feel tired. i feel tired of feeling that i am not really helping them out. i mean, it's just that i feel they are not learning anything from me... and it hurts. it really does.

i know there are issues about me, specifically when i gave a failing marks to some of the students. there were teachers who got mad, saying that i do not care for the students, for the parents.

but no. what they don't know is how much i love these students even if they hate me so much. i love them in a way that only few people and teachers would understand. what they missed is how difficult it is for me to fail them. what the others did not see is my intention.

i want my students to realize the value of hardwork. i want them to improve on whatever they do... i want them to feel real happiness from giving out the best that they have.... sure, nobody is perfect. i am not perfect myself. but everybody has the chance to improve.

if i don't love them, i could have easily given them a passing grade even if they did nothing. but i want to help them. i don't want them to be like babies: very dependent and spoon-fed. no. i don't wanna see them that way. i want them to at least be responsible and independent. people who can decide what is right and what is wrong for them. people who would not let others step on them, and people who would know how to respect others, as well. i don't want them to be vulnerable and very gullible. if it is wrong on wanting to see my students that way, then maybe, i should not have been a teacher at all.

at least for now, i have seen them working hard to earn not their grade, but what they really deserve.

i hope someday they would realize how much i love them...

balut vendor and my quest for love

I don't know what's wrong with me, but for the past two days, I have been wanting to eat balut. no. I think, it is more appropriate for me to say that I am CRAVING for balut! as in, and I cannot even explain nor understand why!
But suddenly, I realized something. And I did not like it.
I mean, I was trying to deny it, hide it, and even pretend to all the people around me that I am not like what they think. But I have to give up. Yeah. I do give up. Not only do I give up, I'll even try to document it. .!! Oh, God, please help me explain this as honestly as I can..... :p

I just realized that my crave for balut is pretty much like my quest for my love. I've had just one boyfriend since birth (well, at least I had one! heheh). But after we broke up almost seven years ago, i never really tried to get intimate, nor close with another guy. No. I was not traumatized by my failed relationship because if I was, I will not keep the communication between my ex and I open. And I am way past hoping that he will come back because I know it would stop me from growing and maturing (and that is beside the fact that I am updated of his relationship status...hehehehe). It's just that most guys find me very intimidating. I don't know why. Some of my friends who are guys confessed that they were (and are) very much afraid of me. They said it's the way I look (literally) at people, the way I speak, the way I project, and uhmmm...... my intelligence. They said they can handle the way I look at people, or the way I talk, but not my need and desire to have a stimulating and intelligent conversation with a guy. Funny thing is, I don't see myself that way. Yeah. I admit that I am a bit snob, and choosy especially when it comes to people who I will talk with. No. I don't judge people by the way they dress or their physical attributes. I talk to the school's janitors everyday (especially the ones assigned to clean the faculty room). I have talked with a lot of street children, garbage collectors, jeepney drivers, etc. And it's not just a simple chat that lasted for thirty seconds. We would have long conversations. It's just that the guys who approach me are very arrogant and think highly of themselves. And it's bad. I hate arrogance around me. So, because of that, I am still single up to this day.
I thought I am not looking for a partner at this point for I am very busy with my work.

But then again, I was wrong.

And my crave for balut sent that message to me.

During the first day I craved for balut, I sat at our terrace, waited for the balut vendor to arrive while I read the daily newspaper. And that was 4 p.m. After two hours of waiting, and reading and re-reading (even memorizing some articles!), I came to realize it's getting dark. So I went inside the house and decided to watch television. Then, around 9 p.m.,I heard, in a soft shout....

"Baluuuuuuuttttttttt....!"

I immediately stood and went outside, only to see the balut vendor already several houses away. I felt the sudden shyness of calling and shouting out loud "Baloooooooottt!" so I decided not to call the vendor and I'd just wait for another one to come.

I remained awake until 11:30 p.m. but no other balut vendor arrived. So off I went to bed, still craving for balut.

The next afternoon, I sat at the terrace again by 4 p.m. I waited. I was checking the papers of my students while listening to my mp3 when I saw this balut vendor riding on his bicycle pass by our house. Since I was in an Indian sit position, and was really surprised by the sudden appearance of this balut vendor that I was not able to open my mouth to utter "Balot!". So, he passed by again. But I was hopeful. since it was just around 4:30 p.m., I thought that he would come back (because for a long time, the balut vendor would pass by our street twice). So I waited.... again. And guess what??? The balut vendor did not pass by again that night. Sigh.

And so it was. I realize that my attitude toward the balut vendor is pretty much like my attitude when it comes to opportunities in love.

It's just that I have this notion that all you have to do is to wait for your prince charming to arrive. I still believe in that. But just like my attitude with the first balut vendor, I never really tried to express my feeling to another person, specifically the opposite sex. I feel ashamed. I somehow acted that if we're not meant to be, I'll have to wait for the next one. And it had happened to me several months after my ex and I broke up when I met this really nice guy. I wanted to tell him that I am attracted to him. And guess what...? He expressed his intentions! Not for me, but for my bestfriend. Sigh. The thing is, my friend likes another. Maybe, I should have expressed my feelings....... So, I thought, time to move on. Wait for the next man. Surely, there will be another.

And yes. just like the second balut vendor, another man came into my life. But just like my situation the second day of waiting for a balut vendor to arrive, I was so busy with a lot of things that I did not notice him, and I have a lot of worries to manage, and thoughts to listen to, that I let him pass me by. I thought, if we're meant to be, he will come back.
But just like that second balut vendor, he found shelter in the arms of another person. Poof!

So I decided I want to stay single until I am financially and emotionally stable.

Everytime I see my friends, their first question is: "Do you have a boyfriend already?" and I would just raise my eyebrows with a remark: "That's not my business yet!" A short laugh will follow afterwards.

So that's what I came to realize with my sudden crave for balut. It may be funny, or even weird, but sometimes, it may be true.

Although I am not desperate to have a boyfriend right now, it made me realize that next time, maybe, I should not simply wait for my prince charming to come. Maybe, I also have to exert effort. I have to learn how to express my feelings without degrading myself and my values. I also have to end my daydreams. Although I believe in destiny and i my faith is very much intact, I realized that we still have, at least, control of our fate.

And by the way, on the third night, I was able to call and shout "Balot!". I ate balut.

More surprisingly, just a while ago, my parents brought home 4 pieces of balut.

Hmmm...... sounds interesting! :p

me? gokusen??!!??!!

gokusen. i used to watch the tagalized chinovela of that manga series. somehow, i can relate to it. of course! because i am a teacher. and i used to teach in an exclusive for boys school. "used to" coz i'm now teaching at a parochial school. well, at least, i'm still working at a catholic school.

well, just want to share my experience with that school. let me give a name for it- marist school. a school founded and under the care of the marist brothers. it is actually the second school i have worked at.

my position as one of the teachers in that school came as a surprise. i was paranoid, and excited, and worried, and overjoyed, all at the same time. can't describe the exact feeling. but then again, it was all worth it.

i thought being in a very big school is hectic and stressful. in some ways, yes it was. just have to be thankful that i felt i was in a family... they accepted me and taught me everything they know to help me out. in the end, when it was my time to leave-or my last day in that school-- it was the reason i cried buckets of tears. it was not the school that is difficult to leave, it was my family in that school.

when it comes to my students... they're all different. they're all special. yes. believe it or not, i was handling what the rest of the teachers call as the "trouble sections", the "hoodlums"... in the middle of the school year, one of my colleagues asked me how i maintained my demure image and how i still manage to smile after each class in the midst of all the hoodlums that i have to handle and face five days a week. it was difficult for me to explain that i just have to be myself when i'm in front of these students. if they see me as demure, i say thanks. if not, more thanks.

truly, you have to be the tough boss to face these students. however, it was difficult for me to explain to my colleagues that i don't see them as hoodlums. i don't know, but i think it would be a surprise if i would enter their room with everyone in the room quiet as a mouse... maybe they're in for something.

i remember one of my students asking me right in the middle of the discussion: "teacher, mahal mo po ba ako?" (teacher, do you love me?) if it was somebody else in that particular class, it would be very easy to say "yes". but no. he was different. in fact, he's the most trouble maker in that class. the noisiest, the nastiest. he has no respect for anyone. but i want to emphasize his use for the word "po". he has respect for people. he was just often misinterpreted.

for about two seconds, i looked at him. i cannot hear a single noise in that classroom. it seemed that everybody was waiting for my answer. i just answered him with "ano ba sa pakiramdam mo?" (what do you think or feel?") he just gave his widest smile and told me: "ma'am, pakiramdam ko, love mo ako" (ma'am. i do feel that you do love me"). i just smiled and gave him a pat on his shoulder. But he added another question; "ma'am, mahal mo ba section namin?" his section, being the most notorious, most hated by the teachers (even their adviser hates them), was according to my colleagues, very difficult to love, and very easy to hate. i looked at my students--all of them waiting for me to answer that question. i felt the sudden tension. if i say no, it would definitely break their heart, if i say yes, they'll feel appreciated. at that time, i did not answer what my mind dictated me to answer. i answered what my heart dictated me to say.

i returned the question to them. "you're asking me if i do love your section. tell me with all honesty, how much do you love your teachers?" nobody answered my question.
"haven't you felt how much your teachers love you? all of us love you enough to think about your welfare everyday. if we don't love you, we teachers would not bother to go to your room and discuss the lessons, or to reprimand you for your misbehaviors, and forgive you for every headache and heartache that you give us for disrespect and misdemeanor you pass on to us. if we teachers don't love you, we will not care for you. tell me now, how much do you love your teachers?" nobody answered my question.

as i was about to continue my lesson, he asked again: "ma'am you haven't answered my question. do you love our section?" i laughed and smiled at them. i just gave them a simple answer: "kahit sobrang kukulit at maloloko kayo. kahit dami niyo kasalanan at kalokohan sa akin... di ko alam kung bakit, pero... sobra.... sobrang mahal ko section niyo." (even though you have given me a lot of headaches and heartaches, for some unknown reasons.... so much... i just love your section so much!)

i was expecting an uproar of the students, but there was none. i thought they did not take my answer seriously. but that student again added some words: "ma'am. totoo po yan? promise, hope to die?"(ma'am, is that true.......?") i just said: "i have always been vocal and honest about my feelings with you. when i'm mad, i tell you. when i'm happy, i tell it, too. when i feel hopeless, i let you know. tell me, why is there doubt? is it me who you're doubting, or yourselves being very much aware of how you treat your teachers? i have honestly answered your question. it's up to you if you'd believe it or not."

i was not expecting my students to really believe what i have told them. but for me, it was the truth. at that time, i don't know why that students asked me that question. i found out about it during lunch when all of the teachers are having their lunch at the faculty. from the very first subject, until mine, they have been cussed, hated by the other teachers. maybe they just needed assurance in a place that they are scared of. yes, it's right. somehow, they hated school and the teachers. i can't blame them. but i can't blame the other teachers as well.

it was one of those moment that i truly remember. i have a lot, of course! a surprise birthday greeting from an entire class (surprise coz i have been hiding my birthday, and they have been discreetly practicing for their presentation for me..hehehe), a rose from a student during the teacher's day... gifts during christmas... the list is endless. but somehow, the little thank you's are the most treasured ones. especially if that thank you came from a "hoodlum" as what they say.

i have a truckload of headaches, but that should not be highlighted. for me, i took those headcahes as learning lessons, even if they made my heart cry, i don't take it personally. they are MY students after all.

while i am still new to this profession, and i have a lot more to learn, i take everyday as a new day. being a teacher gives you a very unpredictable life... every single moment. and i enjoy it a lot.

now, let me ask you: how much do you love your teachers?

ayoko kay pacquiao!!

yes. it's thirteen days before the elections. kaya pala dami na naman ng patayan. akala mo sila ang nagbigay ng buhay kaya ganun na lang kung kumitil nito. kanya-kanyang siraan. nakakainis. pag nasa kampanya, akala mo kung sinong mga mababait at mga santo... pangiti-ngiti, pakaway-kaway at may shake hands pa. pero pag nanalo na, hindi ka papansinin kahit manikluhod ka pa. well, maliban na lang pala kung may pera ka. pasaporte ba. hay nako, bakit nga ba hindi pa ako nasanay.
peo minsan yun ang nakakainis eh. masyado nang nasanay ang mga pilipino sa ganong sistema kaya tinatanggap na lang. basura para sa basura. nakakainis. pero di pa naman ako pinagsasakluban ng langit. malaki...at sobrang laki pa rin naman ng tiwala ko sa ilang mga kandidato taon-taon. wala na rin naman yata ako magagawa kasi kundi umasa na may magbabago. minsan, gusto ko nang maging militante o maka-kaliwa ba (hindi pa ba?), pero minsan naiinis din ako sa kanila eh. kahit ayos naman, pinalalaki pa... nanghihikayat pa ng kaguluhan sa gitna ng kaayusan. pero sandali lang, di ako pro-GMA no. in fact, sobrang inis na nga ako sa kanya eh. kaso, kung pupunta ka sa kalye para patalsikin siya tapos wala namang malinaw na papalit at wala ring malinaw na hakbangin ang papalit sa kanya upang mapaunlad ang mga pilipino, wag na lang. kaya ko pang magtiis. nasanay na rin naman magtiis nag mga pilipino eh.

pero teka. pulitika, magulong mundo. mas magulo at mas madumi pa sa showbiz. kaya naman di ko rin maintindihan kung bakit ang isang napakayaman na si pacquiao eh atat na atat din tumakbo. kainis, noong una, gusto ko pa naman siya. kaso.... wala rin pala siyang pinagkaiba sa mga pulitiko. madalas nga, naaalibadbaran na ako sa mukha niya pag nasa tv eh. paano kasi, nakikita ko ang mukha ng isang gahaman. lahat na lang gusto niya. gusto niya lagi siyang bida, di naman siya artista sa pelikula. ewan ko ba. sasabihin niya pang : "gusto kong makatulong sa mahihirap." pwe! tigilan niya nga ang mga kababayan niya. kung siya nauto ng kung sinong pulitiko para sa sariling kapakanan niya, pwede ba wag naman niyang tularan masyado yun. gumawa naman siya ng mas kakaibang linya. gasgas na yun. kung gusto niya talagang tumulong, maraming paraan. wag na nga siyang manloko pa ng mga tao. nakakainis eh. halata naman na ginagamit lang siya... tapos, dirty player siya sa kalaban niya. di ko kilala kalaban niya ng personal, pero ang mga taktika niya para siraan si darlene (sana tama) eh sobrang makaluma at trapong-trapo ang dating. nakakahiya siya. lahat naman pinaboran siya. comelec nga nilabag yung sariling code nila pagdating sa gun ban eh. ang limit na 2 lamang eh hindi nasunod sa kanya dahil meron siyang 20 bodyguards ngayon. alam ko yung zero lang ang pinagkaiba ng 2 sa 20... pero..... paano kaya siya nakapasa sa exam ng.... ano nga ba ulit yun...?? di ko maalala. yung nagsasabing graduate na siya ng high school dahil naipasa niya yun. pwe! that i do not believe. ..! maniniwala ako kay pinocchio.... pero yung result nun, di ko talaga kayang paniwalaan. not that i'm being judgemental, pero nagpapakatotoo lang ako. obvious naman yung mga plano na yun para makatakbo siya at magamit ng kung sinong pulitiko. pati bribery nga pinatulan na rin niya. imagine, vote-buying! how trapo!! nakakainis. at babanat siyang walang personalan sa lady solon na kalaban niya.... pwede ba, buksan nga niya ang dalawang mata niya..! siya nga ang name-mersonal eh. di ko alam kung nasobrahan lang siya sa mga suntok sa ulo eh...kainis.

at dahil nga tulad na rin siya ng mga trapo at dirty politicians natin, it's no wonder kung after ng election at natalo siya eh, sisigaw din siya ng: "nadaya ako!!"

friendship kills depression

nothing.

all i can't think of right now is nothing.

not that there is nothing to think about, but i guess, my mind, cluttered with problems, stress, and other issues, decided to stop doing anything...well i guess, not totally coz i'm right in front of my computer doing this blog.

i have realized that the human mind gets tired, too. one day, it will shut its system to rest. and that is what we call, depression.

being depressed is a difficult situation to be in. in fact, admitting and accepting that you are in this state is the most difficult. suddenly, you become more emotional. you start to cry at the smallest things, and later on get bothered by it. innocent statements suddenly have a different meaning for you. you get tired of everything-- tired of working, tired of caring for the one you love, tired of being emotionally attached to anybody. you start hating the world. more so, you start hating yourself. you can't find a reason for existing. you don't enjoy the things that you used to. you even forget a lot of things, unintentionally, of course!

just few nights ago, i had a short but serious chat with my friend. being depressed, it was difficult for me to talk to her about it. but in between laughs and emoticons, i was able to spill it out. i tried not crying, but i can't help it! questions from "do you need professional help?" to "what are your plans" were what maintained our flow of conversation. i was in rage for some time for i know deep within me, i wasn't asking for help, nor looking for definite plans. all i wanted was to let somebody know about my situation. that's it. plain and simple. i think that it is a misconception for people who are depressed. In most cases, when somebody approaches you and tells you "i'm depressed", one immediately poses several questions and gives a gazillion of advises and help. What people are missing out is that depressed people just need to speak out whatever they want to say, without any interruption. they need to be listened to, and not be judged. they need assurance that everything will still be in its place the moment they recover. if a depressed person asks you to leave her alone, then do it-physically! but you have to give assurance that you'd still be by her side, come what may. but after all the crying, and the sleepless nights, that short conversation lightened my burden. and i just love my friend for staying with me.

I spent my five months of my existence inside a school, not as a student, but as a teacher...and still, I haven’t figured out yet the real purpose why my feet were sent in that school. Was it because I am a teacher and I am really bound to teach kids? Was it because I needed a work and I just grabbed the one that came along? Or was it because there was a deeper purpose and reason for this?

Probably, everything is correct. I needed a job. I am bound to be a teacher. But kids? Naah. I’m a BSE grad. I am supposed to teach high school students and not elementary which I am currently handling right now. But I don’t know. I can’t even understand. I told myself I can not handle elementary level. But look at me now.

Is the purpose behind this one hidden in the faces and situations of each of my students? I’ve been teaching for two months only and I felt there was so much to do. So much to understand. So much connection to make. Maybe my students right now are meant to really touch my life, and not me to touch theirs. Maybe I have been to far from reality that God put me in this situation for me to feel and experience a lot of things. Probably, I have just become so numb that I needed something to make me back to my senses. Maybe. Maybe my heart has been hardened. Maybe I am really naïve.

Why would He let me handle a student so special that even I can’t help but wonder and appreciate how important and valuable family members are, time, care, and friendship.

Why do I most of my students have problems that they should not bear at a young age? Why does a Grade 4 student who handles all the responsibilities at home is not given the attention and appreciation that he needs from his parents? Why is he not given the opportunity to enjoy his youth? Why is there no chance for him to go out and play? Why does his younger brother get all the attention of his parents? Is it because he’s not as bright as his younger brother? And why still, even if all attention is given to his brother, no competition is present. He still continues to say that everything in his life is his brother. Everything that makes his brother happy is what makes him happy, too. Talk about unconditional love, I give my salute to him.

Being in this school makes me think if I am really in a regular school or special one. A first year high school student is now joined in my Grade 5 class. A Grade 4 student who can’t even read sentences. A Grade 1 student who feels lost. A Grade 4 student who has a heart disease. A Grade 3 student with diabetes. Another third grader who feels the pressure from her parents to excel in class, even losing her rights to play and be her age. I can give a lot of other cases for each of my students, but nobody, I think, could ever be greater than one of my students. A case of cerebral palsy wherein his motor nerves were damaged. But no. He’s not helpless, and he refuses to be one. At first glance, you would really feel pity. But as time passed by, pity changed to admiration. At his age, when most teenagers would go out, he can not. He can’t walk without his braces and leg support. He actually has incontinence. Just imagine his feelings as he wears his diapers from morning to afternoon. Or even be left behind the ground floor if the activity is on the second floor because nobody could carry him. Try to feel his pain as he tries to write down his notes and recall each. His case is really different. We can’t pressure him to take up so much lessons. When he says he can not, we have to stop. If he wants to rest, or he feels sleepy, we should let him. But his determination is what sets him apart from the rest. He tries everything. He gives all that he can. He enjoys his time. he has a lot of stories to tell, that even I can’t help but be amused. But most of all, he knows that he was given only 6 years to live but he’s currently sixteen.

I first thought that being in school helps you to reminisce your life as a student. But at this point, I guess, school really is a place where one learns, where one grows. It has nothing to do with the facilities, library, books, tables and chairs, and yes… sometimes, even teachers. it is a place where one chooses to learn, regardless of who the teachers and students are. It’s a choice…. much more a commitment.

At this point, I’m out of the school. I do not teach the students there anymore. Yes, I do miss them and my everyday routine. But when one reaches a point wherein you realize you have learned your lessons, you have to go and look for another school.

But I know, always, always, I will look back at the memories with a smile, and with hope….

beside my bestfriend's deathbed

I stare at you as you quietly

Reach out for the light,

While I sob quietly by your side.

Not knowing where you’re going to,

Still wondering if I can still be with you.

Memories flashed through my mind

With every blink of my eye.

I withheld the tears from falling,

And tightly held by your hands.

Little by little, you let go of my hand…

Bit by bit, I felt the distance.

Slowly, tears start falling from my eyes…

Still confused and hurt.

I cried and shouted out your name…

Then, there was light.

Now there you lie, my dear angel,

As I quietly stare at you.

There you sleep my dear angel,

As I smiled with tears in my eyes.

There you look back at me, my angel,

As you go towards eternity.

one lost soul

i’m inside my room,

sitting on the corner

of my bed.

the darkness is blinding...

the silence is deafening...

the room seemed to be shrinking.

i wanted to scream,

but i didn’t.

i closed my eyes

and the darkness blinded me even more.

i tried to cry,

yet the tears held back.

i looked around

and felt the wall’s closing in.

my heart’s pounding...

my head’s throbbing...

i can’t hardly breath!

desperation’s filling in...

fear is slowly killing me.

i can’t move...

my mind’s telling me to run,

but i can’t even start.

i want to hold on to something,

but i can’t even reach a thing.

my body’s shaking

and my knees are trembling.

then,

i gasped for my last air,

and felt the last beat of my heart.

i know it is over.

hallucinations...

i told myself that i won’t cry

because of you.

but every night is

a sleepless one,

coz i always do.

i fear that i’m losing you.

i fear the truth...

that maybe...

you don’t really love me.

i’m beginning to

feel different.

i love you now

is all i know.

but i think...

it’s not enough.

yeah, we’re different.

we’re worlds apart.

but i’m trying to

cross the distance

between us.

you told me before

that you love me,

that i’m your world... your life.

but where are you now?

you told me that i’m still

your life, but...

i feel lost.

i want to hold your hand,

but you’re not here.

i’m calling out your name,

but you can’t even hear it.

all i can do is cry...

coz i wasn’t enough for you.

i just want to say

i’m sorry,

coz i wasn’t what

you hoped me to be...

and expected that i would be.

you never gave me

the chance

to show you how much

i really care...

but i still do.

i know i’m just

saying these coz

i’m hurt.

i know that if

you’d talk to me,

i’ll forget all of these.

yes, you’re the one

who makes me cry...

and i think i’m stupid

coz i believe

that it will only be you

who can wash my

tears away...

pagod ka na bang maging pinoy?

Pagod ka na ba sa laman ng mga diyaryo ngayon? Eh sa balita sa telebisyon? Sa radyo? Hindi ka pa ba nabibingi sa walang katapusang rally ng mga tao? Ako? Oo. Pagod na. Bingi na.

Pagod na rin akong maging Pilipino. Madalas, gusto ko ng umalis sa Pilipinas at lumipat sa ibang bansa. Pero ang konsensya ko, umaasa pa rin na magbabago ang sitwasyon sa Pilipinas.

Basura, kahirapan, kawalan ng trabaho, pekeng pangulo, rally, pagkamatay ng impeachment, paggunita sa martial law, bayaran sa kamara, terorismo sa mindanao, hello garci tapes—pero diyan pa lang nagsisimula ang mahabang listahan ng baho ng sistema ng pulitika sa Pilipinas.

Lahat tayo nagrereklamo. Lahat tayo hindi kuntento. Lahat tayo may nasasabi. Pero may naiisip na ba tayong solusyon sa problema ng bansa natin? Ikaw? May naisip ka na ba?

Sa akin, isa lang ang naiisip ko. Ilang beses ko na itong narinig sa balita, sa mga dokumentaryo. Isang simpleng salita, ngunit lubhang mahirap isakatuparan.

Disiplina.

Madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin.

Nagsisimula ang disiplina sa bawat indibidwal. Nagtatapon ka ba ng basura sa dapat nitong kalagyan? Tumatawid ka ba sa mga tawiran? May maniana habit ka ba? Pinapatay mo ba ang mga appliances na hindi mo naman nagagamit? Ginagamit mo ba ng masinop ang bawat sentimo ng pera mo? Sumasakay ka ba sa mga loading zone lamang? Nirerespeto mo ba ang opinyon ng ibang tao? Hindi ka na ba nakikinig sa paliwanag pag galit ka? Naglalagay ka ba para mapabilis ang proseso ng papeles mo? Nagbibigay ka ba ng tong sa mga pulis para hindi ka mahuli? Hindi mo ba sinusuportahan ang mga panukala na makabubuti naman lalo na kung susubukan dahil sa lagi mong iniisip na hindi ito posible at sagabal lang ito?

Karugtong ng disiplina ang sakripisyo. Masakit, pero yun ang totoo. Kaakibat na rin ng disiplina ang responsibilidad.

Isang magandang halimbawa: ang lungsod ng Marikina. Dating tapunan ng mga pinatay na tao, isang lugar na puro iskwater... walang kaunlaran, walang disiplina.

Iyon ay bago naging pinuno ng bayan na yun si Bayani Fernando.

Tatlong termino bilang mayor, ginugol niya ang siyam na taon para paunlarin ang nasasakupan niya. Sinong makapagsasabing hindi siya naging matagumpay sa pagpapabago sa Marikina?

Libo-libong iskwater ang nagalit sa kanya ng paalisin niya ito sa gilid ng Marikina River. Maraming kalalakihan din ang nagalit ng ipatupad niya ang pagbabawal sa mga kalalakihan ng walang damit pantaas, ilang tsuper at operator din ang nag-alsa ng ipatupad nya ang mahigpit na batas sa tamang sakayan at babaan ng pasahero, ang pagbabawal din sa malakas na pagpapatugtog ng radyo, ang tamang pagtatapon ng basura. Sino ang makapagsasabing hindi pwedeng maging disiplinado ang Pilipino?

Kaya natin. Kung gugustuhin natin. Hindi natin kailangan ng isa pang Bayani Fernando para maging disiplinado tayo. Kung gusto, may paraan. Kung ayaw, may dahilan.

Tiwali ang mga opisyal ng gobyerno dahil hinahayaan natin sila. Kaya sila bumibili ng boto dahil may mga taong patuloy na bumibili at nagpapaloko. Kung gusto mong magkapera, kunin mo ang bayad, pero may kalayaan ka pa ring isulat kung sino ang gusto mo. Kung kukunin mo ang pera ngunit iba ang iboboto mo, ang kandidato ang talo. At kung lahat kayo ay gagawin yun, titigil din sila sa pagbili sa boto.

Hindi nangyayari sa isang kisapmata ang pagbabago. Kailangan natin ang tiyaga.

Kaya ako, kahit naiisip kong umalis ng bansa, pinipili ko pa rin ang manatili.

Alam ko tama ang desisyon ko.

mirage at the sea

So we met. Again. So I cried. Again.

I remained steady beside the phone for a couple of seconds, still stunned. Still hurting. I felt the urge to close my eyes… to rest. But I don’t want to. Then the tears started to roll down my cheeks.

“ I have to sleep,” I murmured. It’s night… it is late at night. But I don’t want to sleep yet. I don’t want to see the picture again.

Three months. It has been three months since the first time we talked. Since our first conversation. I can still remember your clear, baritone voice as you said “hello…”, and the ten months of loneliness before that finally came to an end. The grief of my lost love is over. I finally regained my smile.

I stood up. I brushed off the thoughts from my mind. I don’t want to reminisce. It makes me sick. Sometimes, it drives me crazy; I lose my sanity for a second. Even the thought of you hurts.

I walked lazily and went to the bathroom. I have to have a shower… to brush off the stain you left in me. But I just stood there, in front of the mirror. I am not looking at myself. I don’t want to look at myself. I’ll just pity myself. Then tears came rushing again.

“Hey, how’s you and what’s the name of the guy you’re talking to over the phone?”

“Francis.” I replied.

“uh huh. Francis, right. How are you two going?”

“Just fine. We’re going quite pretty well.” I stared at the couple in front of us. “uhmm… why the sudden question?”

“Nothing,” my friend replied with the grin in her face.

I looked at her for a while and pinched her arm. “Why?!?” I asked impatiently. She just laughed at me and gave me that stern look. I kept quiet as I stared at the couple in front of us. Wishing somehow, I could be in the place of the girl.

“Hey!” and my friend gave me a gentle slap on my right cheek.

“hey, you…” and I pinched her again.

“all right, thinking of Francis, huh!” I remained silent.

“Aha! So, I am right!!!” as she shouted out with glee.

“Shut up… I am not thinking of him, okay???” I gave my friend a fake snob and pouted my lips.

“Uh huh. It’s not obvious. You’re blushing…” then she continued teasing me. I felt the blood rushing to my face. I could not deny it anymore. I gave another glance at the couple in front of us.

“All right… I am thinking of him. And why would you care?” I raised my eyebrows waiting for a good reply.

“Are you two going steady?” she asked.

I thought for a while. “No, not yet.” Then I felt the love I have for him.

“Oh, that’s too bad. I’m just thinking of a sort of double-date for the two of us,” she said to me with a big smile on her face.

I kept silent still. “Wait, what did you just say? Double-date?? Don’t tell me…”

“Yes, I do have a boyfriend already.” Then, I saw the smile on her face. The smile that was once in me. I gave her the same big smile. “congratulations!!! You are not a member of the club anymore…!!!!” and I gave her another pinch in the arm.

“just wanted you to meet him. Remember Daniel??”

“uh huh…”

“it’s him!! We finally met. Oh my, he’s so cute!!! What do you think?”

“I think he’s just fine. Well, that is, if I’ll gonna base it from your stories about him…”

“You think so…?”

“Yup!’ and I gave her another smile.

“You know what, even if I haven’t met Francis yet, I think he’s perfect for you too…” and she gave me a sigh.

“Hey, what’s that sigh for?”

“Nothing. I just wanted you to have a new boyfriend… for you to finally get over Michael…

“I am over Michael…” I smiled and gave another glance at the couple who is about to leave.

I looked at my reflection on the mirror, as I whispered “I am over him…” then gave a sigh.

I remember waking up this morning happy, with a big smile painted on my face. This is it. I’ve finally decided to say Francis that I love him. Everything is almost perfect. Plus, I’ll be finally meeting Daniel.

Time seemed so slow. I wanted our class to be over though it only has begun. Then, what almost seemed a century, the hands of the clock finally strike to 12:00. Classes are over!!!

My friend and I rushed off. Daniel is already waiting at the school gate. I am excited… but not much about my friend’s boyfriend. I am excited of how it’s gonna be later…I am thinking of how will I tell him that I love him… more than I did with Michael.

I saw my friend’s boyfriend gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek. I saw them holding each other’s hands… they’re having a short conversation maybe.

But I was busy with my own thoughts. Then, my friend called me. I walked towards them, still with a smile.

Then I saw my dreams. I saw my shattered dreams in front of me. I stand stunned. It seemed that I have seen the man standing in front of me in the past. I looked at the eyes that are gently staring at me. It’s all the same. The lips…the eyes… I’ve seen them all before. Only with a different look…only with a different name. I felt my blood rush to my face.

“Hi!” he smiled at me and he held out his hands.

“Hi!” I smiled at him too. I reached out for his hand and I felt the tears peeping in my eyes.

But I have to show no emotion. No… I have to show happiness. I withheld my tears, though my heart aches. I didn’t know it would hurt this much.

But I am fine. I have to be just fine. I joined their conversation, making myself believe that I do not know this man in front of me. Though at every glance of him, it makes me sad…makes me sick…makes me want to cry.

Then he invited me to have lunch with them. I wanted to refuse… I know I can’t bear it anymore. I looked at him, but I can’t see the eyes that I’ve seen before. He is a stranger. I felt my heart constricts.

I nod gently as a sign of agreement. He gave me a smile. A smile that I realized was not for me… not for me anymore… and it hurts.

I wanted to talk to him… to ask him things. But I know I don’t have the courage… I will never have the courage.

I watched the two walked hand-in-hand in front of me. It makes me a bit jealous. I wanted to scream so that everyone may know that this man knows me… that I am not a stranger. But I know I don’t have the rights. I felt a drop of tear on my cheek. I brushed it off easily.

He’s not supposed to see me crying, even a drop. It will spoil everything. It will spoil the happiness of my friend.

I silently stared at them as they walk away from me, and felt my shattered dreams haunt me… hurt me.

Then it was over. The meeting is over… without a goodbye.

He gave me another smile as they waved goodbye to me. It is over. The day is over. Why so suddenly I felt the cold rays of the setting sun through my skin? I glanced at the red sun and let it blurred my vision.

The thought of Francis suddenly came into my mind. Will I still tell him that I love him?

So here I am, alone in this room. The first time that I wanted to be in the dark. Then, the phone rang. I wanted to rush to it so I could talk to Francis. I know it’s him. But I just listened to the ringing of the phone.

The phone kept on ringing. I walked towards the phone and lifted the handset, and felt my heart beating fast.

“Hello…?” I said coldly.

“Hello? Uhmm…” there was silence. “about what….”

“That’s just fine.” I felt the tears running through my cheek. I remembered all my dreams. I felt my love for him.

“I know it’s unfair. I didn’t mean to…”

“Ssshhh…” I interrupted him. “Don’t say a word anymore. I understand.”

Then, there was silence. A silence that I would never want. It seemed there was nothing more to say.

But there was still more to say. I wish he knew that the silence represents my love for him. I wish things are not as hard as they are now.

Then, he broke off the silence.

“Uhmm… it’s late. Just called to say I am sorry…”

I asked myself if sorry is enough. I felt a greater pain inside of me.

I remained silent. I don’t know what to say.

“Uhmm… good night for now. Take care of yourself. I am really sorry…” and I heard him sigh.

I remained silent still. I had the urge to tell him that I love him. But I think I could not.

“Ahmm..” I cleared my throat. “I….” This is it! I’ll tell my feelings for him. But I realize I can’t. I felt the taste of my tears… my tears for him.

“I….. I wanted to tell you not to be sorry.” I know I lied. I wanted him to be sorry. But I know he is happy. I don’t want to spoil it. “Goodbye…” then I put down the phone.

I was almost close to telling him my feelings that I have for him, but I just couldn’t.

Then I closed my eyes while tears flow freely. I heard my friend’s voice in my mind…

“You know, Francis’ perfect for you…..”

I grieve in silence.

untitled

Here it goes again

And my tears start to flood…

Here it comes again,

And my heart stopped one more time.

Why did everything has to be perfectly right

If it’ll just end up this way?

Why did everything happened perfectly right

Then lose it all in the end…?

But there still remain the dreams we made,

For hopes that it’ll still be true…

Now I wonder if it’s still worth the wait…

Cause I know inside of me…

It’s already too late…

the criminal inside

Take a sip from your crystal-clear glass,

A bit of red wine to quench your sudden thirst.

The wine that emanates from your gentle hands,

Still armed with iron-rusted knife.

Laugh your heart out

And let it burst with joy.

Let the sparkle in your right eye remain,

While the never ending thirst inside of you

Continue to drive your desire.

Suppress all your fears

And be satisfaction your supreme goal!

Then later on,

As your desire burns out slowly…

You’ll see the difference you made.

Bit by bit,

You’ll see your slaughtered society;

You’ll feel your slaughtered community.

And for quite some time more,

You’ll begin to hurt…

Cause you just slaughtered your family…

one more chance

Take a peek…

A little peek at me.

A glimpse of who I am…

A glimpse of who I am.

Take a look…

A closer look at me.

Try to see who I am…

Try to know who I am.

Come and sit quietly by my side,

And listen to the beating of my heart…

Come and sit by my side…

And look deeply into my eyes…

Into the eyes blurred by pain…

Blurred by pain.

Let me not feel the touch of hurt,

The hurt that’s pulling me back…

Pulling me back to uncertainty.

Just sit by my side,

Stay by my side.

And help me glide with ease…

Glide with ease…

What if hindi ako si grace na nakilala ng lahat…????? What would I do if tomorrow, pag-gising ko, nag-iisa na lang pala ako…??? Na kahit anong gawin kong pagsigaw, walang sumasagot…???? O marahil, walang nakakarinig…..???? what if, hindi na pala ako nag-eexist sa paningin ng ibang tao….???? Ayoko yatang isipin pa ang mga sagot.

Kahapon, biglang pumasok sa isip kung gaano pala kaliit ang mundo ko. O mas tama sigurong sabihin na nakita ko kung paanong sa konting tao lang umiikot ang buhay ko. Hindi ko naisip na ganon pala ako magiging kalungkot.

Don’t get me wrong. Hindi ako tanga. It’s just that, nasanay na ako na hindi naman talaga marami ang friends ko. Pero kahapon, habang kumakain ako, nakita ko ang mga classmates ko na kumakain…. Silang magkaka-berks. Kanya-kanyang grupo, kanya-kanyang pwesto…kanya-kanyang umpukan…kanya-kanyang tsismisan… at kanya-kanya ring siraan. Hindi ko alam kung matatawa ako o hindi. Pero ang sigurado ko, nalungkot ako at hindi ko naiwasan ang mainggit. Tatlo lang kaming magkakaibigan. Sabi nga nila, may sarili raw kaming mundo. Pero kahit kelan, hindi namin pinansin yun. Ang mahalaga, nagkakaintindihan kaming tatlo…at tanggap namin ang isa’t-isa.

Naramdaman ko lang ang lungkot ng umupo ako sa isang table, mag-isa at walang kasama. Alam mo yung ang laki ng table, good for 4-6 people, pero mag-isa ka lang na pumwesto dun. Pakiramdam ko tuloy isa akong stranger sa lugar na yun. Pero mas masakit pala pag narinig mo yung mga tao sa kabilang table na sinabi sa kasama nila: “tignan mo si grace oh, mag-isa lang… malungkot…” sabay nagtawanan na silang magbabarkada. Tinawag ako ng isa at tinanong kung nasaan na yung dalawa ko pang kasama. I know, they are just trying to tease me… so I looked and smiled at them and said: “May date eh…” and I turned away from them. Natawa lang sila sa akin. Tinananong nila kung may bf na rin daw ba ako, natawa lang ako sa isip ko. Sinagot ko sila. “Secret….!” Isa lang ang nasa isip ko, hindi ko sila ganon ka-close para sabihan ng mga personal na information na alam ko namang pag-uusapan at pagtsitsismisan lang nila. Pero tinukso lang nila ako at sinabing blooming daw ako. Natawa lang ulit ako sa sarili ko. Ako, blooming???? Nagpapatawa ba sila…???? Pero siguro nga. Nawala ang lungkot ko kahit sandali. Marahil, dahil may pumapansin sa akin. Ganon pala talaga yun, Yung pag wala yung mga taong malapit sa iyo, kahit ang atensyon ng iba, papatulan mo na wag mo lang maramdaman yung sobrang lungkot at pag-iisa na nararamdaman at unti-unti yatang kumakain sa pagkatao mo. Gayunpaman, hindi pa rin ako komportable.

Tapos, hindi na ulit nila ako pinansin. Nagkwentuhan na ulit silang magbabarkada. Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko at nag-text. Nagpadala ako ng message ko sa dalawa ko pang kaibigan para lang mapunan yung lungkot ko. Pero minsan, mas masakit pa pala yung ganun. Limang minuto na ang nakalilipas, pero wala pa rin silang reply. Naiinis na ako,pero higit pa rin ang lungkot. Ewan, hindi ko maipaliwanag. Dati naman na akong loner…mapag-isa at tahimik.Pero parang biglang nagbago ang buhay ko. Maya’t-maya kong sinusulyapan ang cellphone ko, hoping na sa tuwing sulyap ko, tutunog yun at lilitaw ang “one message received” sa screen. Pero hindi pa rin. Magpapamiscol pa sana ako, pero less than eight pesos na lang pala ang load ko. Nakakainis lalo! Exaggerated mang matatawag, parang gusto ko ng maiyak. Pakiramdam ko, itinakwil na ako ng buong mundo. Walang nakakapansin at walang balak pansinin. Para akong isang anino, always taken for granted. O isang langgam kaya, na hindi mapapansin sa may sahig unless may naiwang pagkain at pinagkumpulan na rin ng iba pang langgam ang tirang pagkain. Parang ganon ang pakiramdam ko.

But I have to brush away those feelings. Hindi na ako bata para mag-inarte at umiyak sa isang tabi pag hindi napansin o hindi napagbigyan ang gusto. I have been in this kind of situation many times before. Hindi na ito bago sa akin.

Bukas, paggising ko, ako pa rin si grace. Pag sumigaw ako, alam kong may makikinig sa akin…alam kong may papansin. Sigurado ako, hindi ako nag-iisa, dahil kahit isa, alam kong may nakakapansin at may nagpapahalaga sa maliit kong presensya at pagkatao.

wandering thoughts during college

hidden tears

There goes my heart

There goes the one I love.

There goes the boy,

I was not worthy of.

There goes my happiness,

It just couldn’t be;

There goes somebody else,

In place of me.

Goodbye romance…

It couldn’t last somehow.

I had my chance,

But it’s all over now.

I never thought love

Could pass me by.

There goes my heart,

But here I am still.

a school tragedy

I hate school.

It’s not the school that I actually hate but the tasks that I, as a student, have to accomplish. I don’t know why the hell I have to spend 15 years of my life sitting on a wooden chair, copying all the writings on the blackboard , and listening to every word that my teacher/s say/s. I hate doing those stuffs. I am lazy, indeed. There is no question about that. Good thing I had a seatmate who never seem to run out of stories. At least, something, or let me say someone, is keeping me busy.

I have read every book that my teacher/s told us to read. I have done all the assignments , I have submitted every project on time, written a hundred book reports , I took down notes, I passed on exams, I was awarded Best in World History, had a rumor between me and my teacher going around the campus , my parents have paid a huge amount for my tuition fees , have been bullied by my classmates during my entire elementary years , have earned four gold medals on my entire schooling...graduated cum laude... did I learn everything?

No.

My teachers did not teach me how to cry, nor how to laugh. They failed in informing me how to let go of the one you love and accepting that we are not destined for each other. They did not tell me that life outside the classroom is like hell. They always tell us that we should be “wise” voters, but ask them how wise is being wise, and they would give us an answer that would need Einstein to decipher. My teachers did not tell me that the death of your best friend is like having to die, too. They have spoken about politics, science, religion, society, rights, mathematics, english, economics... did I get anything from it..?

My teachers failed me. They did not teach me how to live.

Either that, or I was just not a good student.