i don't like this feeling...

really. i don't.

it's just that i am having this feeling of leaving.... leaving a school perhaps?
i don't know...
but i'm thinking of my students.

i admit. even if most of my students are naughty, hard-headed, SOOOOO noisy and talkative, and sometimes immature, still, they are MY students.

but i feel tired. i feel tired of feeling that i am not really helping them out. i mean, it's just that i feel they are not learning anything from me... and it hurts. it really does.

i know there are issues about me, specifically when i gave a failing marks to some of the students. there were teachers who got mad, saying that i do not care for the students, for the parents.

but no. what they don't know is how much i love these students even if they hate me so much. i love them in a way that only few people and teachers would understand. what they missed is how difficult it is for me to fail them. what the others did not see is my intention.

i want my students to realize the value of hardwork. i want them to improve on whatever they do... i want them to feel real happiness from giving out the best that they have.... sure, nobody is perfect. i am not perfect myself. but everybody has the chance to improve.

if i don't love them, i could have easily given them a passing grade even if they did nothing. but i want to help them. i don't want them to be like babies: very dependent and spoon-fed. no. i don't wanna see them that way. i want them to at least be responsible and independent. people who can decide what is right and what is wrong for them. people who would not let others step on them, and people who would know how to respect others, as well. i don't want them to be vulnerable and very gullible. if it is wrong on wanting to see my students that way, then maybe, i should not have been a teacher at all.

at least for now, i have seen them working hard to earn not their grade, but what they really deserve.

i hope someday they would realize how much i love them...

balut vendor and my quest for love

I don't know what's wrong with me, but for the past two days, I have been wanting to eat balut. no. I think, it is more appropriate for me to say that I am CRAVING for balut! as in, and I cannot even explain nor understand why!
But suddenly, I realized something. And I did not like it.
I mean, I was trying to deny it, hide it, and even pretend to all the people around me that I am not like what they think. But I have to give up. Yeah. I do give up. Not only do I give up, I'll even try to document it. .!! Oh, God, please help me explain this as honestly as I can..... :p

I just realized that my crave for balut is pretty much like my quest for my love. I've had just one boyfriend since birth (well, at least I had one! heheh). But after we broke up almost seven years ago, i never really tried to get intimate, nor close with another guy. No. I was not traumatized by my failed relationship because if I was, I will not keep the communication between my ex and I open. And I am way past hoping that he will come back because I know it would stop me from growing and maturing (and that is beside the fact that I am updated of his relationship status...hehehehe). It's just that most guys find me very intimidating. I don't know why. Some of my friends who are guys confessed that they were (and are) very much afraid of me. They said it's the way I look (literally) at people, the way I speak, the way I project, and uhmmm...... my intelligence. They said they can handle the way I look at people, or the way I talk, but not my need and desire to have a stimulating and intelligent conversation with a guy. Funny thing is, I don't see myself that way. Yeah. I admit that I am a bit snob, and choosy especially when it comes to people who I will talk with. No. I don't judge people by the way they dress or their physical attributes. I talk to the school's janitors everyday (especially the ones assigned to clean the faculty room). I have talked with a lot of street children, garbage collectors, jeepney drivers, etc. And it's not just a simple chat that lasted for thirty seconds. We would have long conversations. It's just that the guys who approach me are very arrogant and think highly of themselves. And it's bad. I hate arrogance around me. So, because of that, I am still single up to this day.
I thought I am not looking for a partner at this point for I am very busy with my work.

But then again, I was wrong.

And my crave for balut sent that message to me.

During the first day I craved for balut, I sat at our terrace, waited for the balut vendor to arrive while I read the daily newspaper. And that was 4 p.m. After two hours of waiting, and reading and re-reading (even memorizing some articles!), I came to realize it's getting dark. So I went inside the house and decided to watch television. Then, around 9 p.m.,I heard, in a soft shout....

"Baluuuuuuuttttttttt....!"

I immediately stood and went outside, only to see the balut vendor already several houses away. I felt the sudden shyness of calling and shouting out loud "Baloooooooottt!" so I decided not to call the vendor and I'd just wait for another one to come.

I remained awake until 11:30 p.m. but no other balut vendor arrived. So off I went to bed, still craving for balut.

The next afternoon, I sat at the terrace again by 4 p.m. I waited. I was checking the papers of my students while listening to my mp3 when I saw this balut vendor riding on his bicycle pass by our house. Since I was in an Indian sit position, and was really surprised by the sudden appearance of this balut vendor that I was not able to open my mouth to utter "Balot!". So, he passed by again. But I was hopeful. since it was just around 4:30 p.m., I thought that he would come back (because for a long time, the balut vendor would pass by our street twice). So I waited.... again. And guess what??? The balut vendor did not pass by again that night. Sigh.

And so it was. I realize that my attitude toward the balut vendor is pretty much like my attitude when it comes to opportunities in love.

It's just that I have this notion that all you have to do is to wait for your prince charming to arrive. I still believe in that. But just like my attitude with the first balut vendor, I never really tried to express my feeling to another person, specifically the opposite sex. I feel ashamed. I somehow acted that if we're not meant to be, I'll have to wait for the next one. And it had happened to me several months after my ex and I broke up when I met this really nice guy. I wanted to tell him that I am attracted to him. And guess what...? He expressed his intentions! Not for me, but for my bestfriend. Sigh. The thing is, my friend likes another. Maybe, I should have expressed my feelings....... So, I thought, time to move on. Wait for the next man. Surely, there will be another.

And yes. just like the second balut vendor, another man came into my life. But just like my situation the second day of waiting for a balut vendor to arrive, I was so busy with a lot of things that I did not notice him, and I have a lot of worries to manage, and thoughts to listen to, that I let him pass me by. I thought, if we're meant to be, he will come back.
But just like that second balut vendor, he found shelter in the arms of another person. Poof!

So I decided I want to stay single until I am financially and emotionally stable.

Everytime I see my friends, their first question is: "Do you have a boyfriend already?" and I would just raise my eyebrows with a remark: "That's not my business yet!" A short laugh will follow afterwards.

So that's what I came to realize with my sudden crave for balut. It may be funny, or even weird, but sometimes, it may be true.

Although I am not desperate to have a boyfriend right now, it made me realize that next time, maybe, I should not simply wait for my prince charming to come. Maybe, I also have to exert effort. I have to learn how to express my feelings without degrading myself and my values. I also have to end my daydreams. Although I believe in destiny and i my faith is very much intact, I realized that we still have, at least, control of our fate.

And by the way, on the third night, I was able to call and shout "Balot!". I ate balut.

More surprisingly, just a while ago, my parents brought home 4 pieces of balut.

Hmmm...... sounds interesting! :p

me? gokusen??!!??!!

gokusen. i used to watch the tagalized chinovela of that manga series. somehow, i can relate to it. of course! because i am a teacher. and i used to teach in an exclusive for boys school. "used to" coz i'm now teaching at a parochial school. well, at least, i'm still working at a catholic school.

well, just want to share my experience with that school. let me give a name for it- marist school. a school founded and under the care of the marist brothers. it is actually the second school i have worked at.

my position as one of the teachers in that school came as a surprise. i was paranoid, and excited, and worried, and overjoyed, all at the same time. can't describe the exact feeling. but then again, it was all worth it.

i thought being in a very big school is hectic and stressful. in some ways, yes it was. just have to be thankful that i felt i was in a family... they accepted me and taught me everything they know to help me out. in the end, when it was my time to leave-or my last day in that school-- it was the reason i cried buckets of tears. it was not the school that is difficult to leave, it was my family in that school.

when it comes to my students... they're all different. they're all special. yes. believe it or not, i was handling what the rest of the teachers call as the "trouble sections", the "hoodlums"... in the middle of the school year, one of my colleagues asked me how i maintained my demure image and how i still manage to smile after each class in the midst of all the hoodlums that i have to handle and face five days a week. it was difficult for me to explain that i just have to be myself when i'm in front of these students. if they see me as demure, i say thanks. if not, more thanks.

truly, you have to be the tough boss to face these students. however, it was difficult for me to explain to my colleagues that i don't see them as hoodlums. i don't know, but i think it would be a surprise if i would enter their room with everyone in the room quiet as a mouse... maybe they're in for something.

i remember one of my students asking me right in the middle of the discussion: "teacher, mahal mo po ba ako?" (teacher, do you love me?) if it was somebody else in that particular class, it would be very easy to say "yes". but no. he was different. in fact, he's the most trouble maker in that class. the noisiest, the nastiest. he has no respect for anyone. but i want to emphasize his use for the word "po". he has respect for people. he was just often misinterpreted.

for about two seconds, i looked at him. i cannot hear a single noise in that classroom. it seemed that everybody was waiting for my answer. i just answered him with "ano ba sa pakiramdam mo?" (what do you think or feel?") he just gave his widest smile and told me: "ma'am, pakiramdam ko, love mo ako" (ma'am. i do feel that you do love me"). i just smiled and gave him a pat on his shoulder. But he added another question; "ma'am, mahal mo ba section namin?" his section, being the most notorious, most hated by the teachers (even their adviser hates them), was according to my colleagues, very difficult to love, and very easy to hate. i looked at my students--all of them waiting for me to answer that question. i felt the sudden tension. if i say no, it would definitely break their heart, if i say yes, they'll feel appreciated. at that time, i did not answer what my mind dictated me to answer. i answered what my heart dictated me to say.

i returned the question to them. "you're asking me if i do love your section. tell me with all honesty, how much do you love your teachers?" nobody answered my question.
"haven't you felt how much your teachers love you? all of us love you enough to think about your welfare everyday. if we don't love you, we teachers would not bother to go to your room and discuss the lessons, or to reprimand you for your misbehaviors, and forgive you for every headache and heartache that you give us for disrespect and misdemeanor you pass on to us. if we teachers don't love you, we will not care for you. tell me now, how much do you love your teachers?" nobody answered my question.

as i was about to continue my lesson, he asked again: "ma'am you haven't answered my question. do you love our section?" i laughed and smiled at them. i just gave them a simple answer: "kahit sobrang kukulit at maloloko kayo. kahit dami niyo kasalanan at kalokohan sa akin... di ko alam kung bakit, pero... sobra.... sobrang mahal ko section niyo." (even though you have given me a lot of headaches and heartaches, for some unknown reasons.... so much... i just love your section so much!)

i was expecting an uproar of the students, but there was none. i thought they did not take my answer seriously. but that student again added some words: "ma'am. totoo po yan? promise, hope to die?"(ma'am, is that true.......?") i just said: "i have always been vocal and honest about my feelings with you. when i'm mad, i tell you. when i'm happy, i tell it, too. when i feel hopeless, i let you know. tell me, why is there doubt? is it me who you're doubting, or yourselves being very much aware of how you treat your teachers? i have honestly answered your question. it's up to you if you'd believe it or not."

i was not expecting my students to really believe what i have told them. but for me, it was the truth. at that time, i don't know why that students asked me that question. i found out about it during lunch when all of the teachers are having their lunch at the faculty. from the very first subject, until mine, they have been cussed, hated by the other teachers. maybe they just needed assurance in a place that they are scared of. yes, it's right. somehow, they hated school and the teachers. i can't blame them. but i can't blame the other teachers as well.

it was one of those moment that i truly remember. i have a lot, of course! a surprise birthday greeting from an entire class (surprise coz i have been hiding my birthday, and they have been discreetly practicing for their presentation for me..hehehe), a rose from a student during the teacher's day... gifts during christmas... the list is endless. but somehow, the little thank you's are the most treasured ones. especially if that thank you came from a "hoodlum" as what they say.

i have a truckload of headaches, but that should not be highlighted. for me, i took those headcahes as learning lessons, even if they made my heart cry, i don't take it personally. they are MY students after all.

while i am still new to this profession, and i have a lot more to learn, i take everyday as a new day. being a teacher gives you a very unpredictable life... every single moment. and i enjoy it a lot.

now, let me ask you: how much do you love your teachers?

ayoko kay pacquiao!!

yes. it's thirteen days before the elections. kaya pala dami na naman ng patayan. akala mo sila ang nagbigay ng buhay kaya ganun na lang kung kumitil nito. kanya-kanyang siraan. nakakainis. pag nasa kampanya, akala mo kung sinong mga mababait at mga santo... pangiti-ngiti, pakaway-kaway at may shake hands pa. pero pag nanalo na, hindi ka papansinin kahit manikluhod ka pa. well, maliban na lang pala kung may pera ka. pasaporte ba. hay nako, bakit nga ba hindi pa ako nasanay.
peo minsan yun ang nakakainis eh. masyado nang nasanay ang mga pilipino sa ganong sistema kaya tinatanggap na lang. basura para sa basura. nakakainis. pero di pa naman ako pinagsasakluban ng langit. malaki...at sobrang laki pa rin naman ng tiwala ko sa ilang mga kandidato taon-taon. wala na rin naman yata ako magagawa kasi kundi umasa na may magbabago. minsan, gusto ko nang maging militante o maka-kaliwa ba (hindi pa ba?), pero minsan naiinis din ako sa kanila eh. kahit ayos naman, pinalalaki pa... nanghihikayat pa ng kaguluhan sa gitna ng kaayusan. pero sandali lang, di ako pro-GMA no. in fact, sobrang inis na nga ako sa kanya eh. kaso, kung pupunta ka sa kalye para patalsikin siya tapos wala namang malinaw na papalit at wala ring malinaw na hakbangin ang papalit sa kanya upang mapaunlad ang mga pilipino, wag na lang. kaya ko pang magtiis. nasanay na rin naman magtiis nag mga pilipino eh.

pero teka. pulitika, magulong mundo. mas magulo at mas madumi pa sa showbiz. kaya naman di ko rin maintindihan kung bakit ang isang napakayaman na si pacquiao eh atat na atat din tumakbo. kainis, noong una, gusto ko pa naman siya. kaso.... wala rin pala siyang pinagkaiba sa mga pulitiko. madalas nga, naaalibadbaran na ako sa mukha niya pag nasa tv eh. paano kasi, nakikita ko ang mukha ng isang gahaman. lahat na lang gusto niya. gusto niya lagi siyang bida, di naman siya artista sa pelikula. ewan ko ba. sasabihin niya pang : "gusto kong makatulong sa mahihirap." pwe! tigilan niya nga ang mga kababayan niya. kung siya nauto ng kung sinong pulitiko para sa sariling kapakanan niya, pwede ba wag naman niyang tularan masyado yun. gumawa naman siya ng mas kakaibang linya. gasgas na yun. kung gusto niya talagang tumulong, maraming paraan. wag na nga siyang manloko pa ng mga tao. nakakainis eh. halata naman na ginagamit lang siya... tapos, dirty player siya sa kalaban niya. di ko kilala kalaban niya ng personal, pero ang mga taktika niya para siraan si darlene (sana tama) eh sobrang makaluma at trapong-trapo ang dating. nakakahiya siya. lahat naman pinaboran siya. comelec nga nilabag yung sariling code nila pagdating sa gun ban eh. ang limit na 2 lamang eh hindi nasunod sa kanya dahil meron siyang 20 bodyguards ngayon. alam ko yung zero lang ang pinagkaiba ng 2 sa 20... pero..... paano kaya siya nakapasa sa exam ng.... ano nga ba ulit yun...?? di ko maalala. yung nagsasabing graduate na siya ng high school dahil naipasa niya yun. pwe! that i do not believe. ..! maniniwala ako kay pinocchio.... pero yung result nun, di ko talaga kayang paniwalaan. not that i'm being judgemental, pero nagpapakatotoo lang ako. obvious naman yung mga plano na yun para makatakbo siya at magamit ng kung sinong pulitiko. pati bribery nga pinatulan na rin niya. imagine, vote-buying! how trapo!! nakakainis. at babanat siyang walang personalan sa lady solon na kalaban niya.... pwede ba, buksan nga niya ang dalawang mata niya..! siya nga ang name-mersonal eh. di ko alam kung nasobrahan lang siya sa mga suntok sa ulo eh...kainis.

at dahil nga tulad na rin siya ng mga trapo at dirty politicians natin, it's no wonder kung after ng election at natalo siya eh, sisigaw din siya ng: "nadaya ako!!"

friendship kills depression

nothing.

all i can't think of right now is nothing.

not that there is nothing to think about, but i guess, my mind, cluttered with problems, stress, and other issues, decided to stop doing anything...well i guess, not totally coz i'm right in front of my computer doing this blog.

i have realized that the human mind gets tired, too. one day, it will shut its system to rest. and that is what we call, depression.

being depressed is a difficult situation to be in. in fact, admitting and accepting that you are in this state is the most difficult. suddenly, you become more emotional. you start to cry at the smallest things, and later on get bothered by it. innocent statements suddenly have a different meaning for you. you get tired of everything-- tired of working, tired of caring for the one you love, tired of being emotionally attached to anybody. you start hating the world. more so, you start hating yourself. you can't find a reason for existing. you don't enjoy the things that you used to. you even forget a lot of things, unintentionally, of course!

just few nights ago, i had a short but serious chat with my friend. being depressed, it was difficult for me to talk to her about it. but in between laughs and emoticons, i was able to spill it out. i tried not crying, but i can't help it! questions from "do you need professional help?" to "what are your plans" were what maintained our flow of conversation. i was in rage for some time for i know deep within me, i wasn't asking for help, nor looking for definite plans. all i wanted was to let somebody know about my situation. that's it. plain and simple. i think that it is a misconception for people who are depressed. In most cases, when somebody approaches you and tells you "i'm depressed", one immediately poses several questions and gives a gazillion of advises and help. What people are missing out is that depressed people just need to speak out whatever they want to say, without any interruption. they need to be listened to, and not be judged. they need assurance that everything will still be in its place the moment they recover. if a depressed person asks you to leave her alone, then do it-physically! but you have to give assurance that you'd still be by her side, come what may. but after all the crying, and the sleepless nights, that short conversation lightened my burden. and i just love my friend for staying with me.

I spent my five months of my existence inside a school, not as a student, but as a teacher...and still, I haven’t figured out yet the real purpose why my feet were sent in that school. Was it because I am a teacher and I am really bound to teach kids? Was it because I needed a work and I just grabbed the one that came along? Or was it because there was a deeper purpose and reason for this?

Probably, everything is correct. I needed a job. I am bound to be a teacher. But kids? Naah. I’m a BSE grad. I am supposed to teach high school students and not elementary which I am currently handling right now. But I don’t know. I can’t even understand. I told myself I can not handle elementary level. But look at me now.

Is the purpose behind this one hidden in the faces and situations of each of my students? I’ve been teaching for two months only and I felt there was so much to do. So much to understand. So much connection to make. Maybe my students right now are meant to really touch my life, and not me to touch theirs. Maybe I have been to far from reality that God put me in this situation for me to feel and experience a lot of things. Probably, I have just become so numb that I needed something to make me back to my senses. Maybe. Maybe my heart has been hardened. Maybe I am really naïve.

Why would He let me handle a student so special that even I can’t help but wonder and appreciate how important and valuable family members are, time, care, and friendship.

Why do I most of my students have problems that they should not bear at a young age? Why does a Grade 4 student who handles all the responsibilities at home is not given the attention and appreciation that he needs from his parents? Why is he not given the opportunity to enjoy his youth? Why is there no chance for him to go out and play? Why does his younger brother get all the attention of his parents? Is it because he’s not as bright as his younger brother? And why still, even if all attention is given to his brother, no competition is present. He still continues to say that everything in his life is his brother. Everything that makes his brother happy is what makes him happy, too. Talk about unconditional love, I give my salute to him.

Being in this school makes me think if I am really in a regular school or special one. A first year high school student is now joined in my Grade 5 class. A Grade 4 student who can’t even read sentences. A Grade 1 student who feels lost. A Grade 4 student who has a heart disease. A Grade 3 student with diabetes. Another third grader who feels the pressure from her parents to excel in class, even losing her rights to play and be her age. I can give a lot of other cases for each of my students, but nobody, I think, could ever be greater than one of my students. A case of cerebral palsy wherein his motor nerves were damaged. But no. He’s not helpless, and he refuses to be one. At first glance, you would really feel pity. But as time passed by, pity changed to admiration. At his age, when most teenagers would go out, he can not. He can’t walk without his braces and leg support. He actually has incontinence. Just imagine his feelings as he wears his diapers from morning to afternoon. Or even be left behind the ground floor if the activity is on the second floor because nobody could carry him. Try to feel his pain as he tries to write down his notes and recall each. His case is really different. We can’t pressure him to take up so much lessons. When he says he can not, we have to stop. If he wants to rest, or he feels sleepy, we should let him. But his determination is what sets him apart from the rest. He tries everything. He gives all that he can. He enjoys his time. he has a lot of stories to tell, that even I can’t help but be amused. But most of all, he knows that he was given only 6 years to live but he’s currently sixteen.

I first thought that being in school helps you to reminisce your life as a student. But at this point, I guess, school really is a place where one learns, where one grows. It has nothing to do with the facilities, library, books, tables and chairs, and yes… sometimes, even teachers. it is a place where one chooses to learn, regardless of who the teachers and students are. It’s a choice…. much more a commitment.

At this point, I’m out of the school. I do not teach the students there anymore. Yes, I do miss them and my everyday routine. But when one reaches a point wherein you realize you have learned your lessons, you have to go and look for another school.

But I know, always, always, I will look back at the memories with a smile, and with hope….

beside my bestfriend's deathbed

I stare at you as you quietly

Reach out for the light,

While I sob quietly by your side.

Not knowing where you’re going to,

Still wondering if I can still be with you.

Memories flashed through my mind

With every blink of my eye.

I withheld the tears from falling,

And tightly held by your hands.

Little by little, you let go of my hand…

Bit by bit, I felt the distance.

Slowly, tears start falling from my eyes…

Still confused and hurt.

I cried and shouted out your name…

Then, there was light.

Now there you lie, my dear angel,

As I quietly stare at you.

There you sleep my dear angel,

As I smiled with tears in my eyes.

There you look back at me, my angel,

As you go towards eternity.