balut vendor and my quest for love

I don't know what's wrong with me, but for the past two days, I have been wanting to eat balut. no. I think, it is more appropriate for me to say that I am CRAVING for balut! as in, and I cannot even explain nor understand why!
But suddenly, I realized something. And I did not like it.
I mean, I was trying to deny it, hide it, and even pretend to all the people around me that I am not like what they think. But I have to give up. Yeah. I do give up. Not only do I give up, I'll even try to document it. .!! Oh, God, please help me explain this as honestly as I can..... :p

I just realized that my crave for balut is pretty much like my quest for my love. I've had just one boyfriend since birth (well, at least I had one! heheh). But after we broke up almost seven years ago, i never really tried to get intimate, nor close with another guy. No. I was not traumatized by my failed relationship because if I was, I will not keep the communication between my ex and I open. And I am way past hoping that he will come back because I know it would stop me from growing and maturing (and that is beside the fact that I am updated of his relationship status...hehehehe). It's just that most guys find me very intimidating. I don't know why. Some of my friends who are guys confessed that they were (and are) very much afraid of me. They said it's the way I look (literally) at people, the way I speak, the way I project, and uhmmm...... my intelligence. They said they can handle the way I look at people, or the way I talk, but not my need and desire to have a stimulating and intelligent conversation with a guy. Funny thing is, I don't see myself that way. Yeah. I admit that I am a bit snob, and choosy especially when it comes to people who I will talk with. No. I don't judge people by the way they dress or their physical attributes. I talk to the school's janitors everyday (especially the ones assigned to clean the faculty room). I have talked with a lot of street children, garbage collectors, jeepney drivers, etc. And it's not just a simple chat that lasted for thirty seconds. We would have long conversations. It's just that the guys who approach me are very arrogant and think highly of themselves. And it's bad. I hate arrogance around me. So, because of that, I am still single up to this day.
I thought I am not looking for a partner at this point for I am very busy with my work.

But then again, I was wrong.

And my crave for balut sent that message to me.

During the first day I craved for balut, I sat at our terrace, waited for the balut vendor to arrive while I read the daily newspaper. And that was 4 p.m. After two hours of waiting, and reading and re-reading (even memorizing some articles!), I came to realize it's getting dark. So I went inside the house and decided to watch television. Then, around 9 p.m.,I heard, in a soft shout....

"Baluuuuuuuttttttttt....!"

I immediately stood and went outside, only to see the balut vendor already several houses away. I felt the sudden shyness of calling and shouting out loud "Baloooooooottt!" so I decided not to call the vendor and I'd just wait for another one to come.

I remained awake until 11:30 p.m. but no other balut vendor arrived. So off I went to bed, still craving for balut.

The next afternoon, I sat at the terrace again by 4 p.m. I waited. I was checking the papers of my students while listening to my mp3 when I saw this balut vendor riding on his bicycle pass by our house. Since I was in an Indian sit position, and was really surprised by the sudden appearance of this balut vendor that I was not able to open my mouth to utter "Balot!". So, he passed by again. But I was hopeful. since it was just around 4:30 p.m., I thought that he would come back (because for a long time, the balut vendor would pass by our street twice). So I waited.... again. And guess what??? The balut vendor did not pass by again that night. Sigh.

And so it was. I realize that my attitude toward the balut vendor is pretty much like my attitude when it comes to opportunities in love.

It's just that I have this notion that all you have to do is to wait for your prince charming to arrive. I still believe in that. But just like my attitude with the first balut vendor, I never really tried to express my feeling to another person, specifically the opposite sex. I feel ashamed. I somehow acted that if we're not meant to be, I'll have to wait for the next one. And it had happened to me several months after my ex and I broke up when I met this really nice guy. I wanted to tell him that I am attracted to him. And guess what...? He expressed his intentions! Not for me, but for my bestfriend. Sigh. The thing is, my friend likes another. Maybe, I should have expressed my feelings....... So, I thought, time to move on. Wait for the next man. Surely, there will be another.

And yes. just like the second balut vendor, another man came into my life. But just like my situation the second day of waiting for a balut vendor to arrive, I was so busy with a lot of things that I did not notice him, and I have a lot of worries to manage, and thoughts to listen to, that I let him pass me by. I thought, if we're meant to be, he will come back.
But just like that second balut vendor, he found shelter in the arms of another person. Poof!

So I decided I want to stay single until I am financially and emotionally stable.

Everytime I see my friends, their first question is: "Do you have a boyfriend already?" and I would just raise my eyebrows with a remark: "That's not my business yet!" A short laugh will follow afterwards.

So that's what I came to realize with my sudden crave for balut. It may be funny, or even weird, but sometimes, it may be true.

Although I am not desperate to have a boyfriend right now, it made me realize that next time, maybe, I should not simply wait for my prince charming to come. Maybe, I also have to exert effort. I have to learn how to express my feelings without degrading myself and my values. I also have to end my daydreams. Although I believe in destiny and i my faith is very much intact, I realized that we still have, at least, control of our fate.

And by the way, on the third night, I was able to call and shout "Balot!". I ate balut.

More surprisingly, just a while ago, my parents brought home 4 pieces of balut.

Hmmm...... sounds interesting! :p