balut vendor and my quest for love

I don't know what's wrong with me, but for the past two days, I have been wanting to eat balut. no. I think, it is more appropriate for me to say that I am CRAVING for balut! as in, and I cannot even explain nor understand why!
But suddenly, I realized something. And I did not like it.
I mean, I was trying to deny it, hide it, and even pretend to all the people around me that I am not like what they think. But I have to give up. Yeah. I do give up. Not only do I give up, I'll even try to document it. .!! Oh, God, please help me explain this as honestly as I can..... :p

I just realized that my crave for balut is pretty much like my quest for my love. I've had just one boyfriend since birth (well, at least I had one! heheh). But after we broke up almost seven years ago, i never really tried to get intimate, nor close with another guy. No. I was not traumatized by my failed relationship because if I was, I will not keep the communication between my ex and I open. And I am way past hoping that he will come back because I know it would stop me from growing and maturing (and that is beside the fact that I am updated of his relationship status...hehehehe). It's just that most guys find me very intimidating. I don't know why. Some of my friends who are guys confessed that they were (and are) very much afraid of me. They said it's the way I look (literally) at people, the way I speak, the way I project, and uhmmm...... my intelligence. They said they can handle the way I look at people, or the way I talk, but not my need and desire to have a stimulating and intelligent conversation with a guy. Funny thing is, I don't see myself that way. Yeah. I admit that I am a bit snob, and choosy especially when it comes to people who I will talk with. No. I don't judge people by the way they dress or their physical attributes. I talk to the school's janitors everyday (especially the ones assigned to clean the faculty room). I have talked with a lot of street children, garbage collectors, jeepney drivers, etc. And it's not just a simple chat that lasted for thirty seconds. We would have long conversations. It's just that the guys who approach me are very arrogant and think highly of themselves. And it's bad. I hate arrogance around me. So, because of that, I am still single up to this day.
I thought I am not looking for a partner at this point for I am very busy with my work.

But then again, I was wrong.

And my crave for balut sent that message to me.

During the first day I craved for balut, I sat at our terrace, waited for the balut vendor to arrive while I read the daily newspaper. And that was 4 p.m. After two hours of waiting, and reading and re-reading (even memorizing some articles!), I came to realize it's getting dark. So I went inside the house and decided to watch television. Then, around 9 p.m.,I heard, in a soft shout....

"Baluuuuuuuttttttttt....!"

I immediately stood and went outside, only to see the balut vendor already several houses away. I felt the sudden shyness of calling and shouting out loud "Baloooooooottt!" so I decided not to call the vendor and I'd just wait for another one to come.

I remained awake until 11:30 p.m. but no other balut vendor arrived. So off I went to bed, still craving for balut.

The next afternoon, I sat at the terrace again by 4 p.m. I waited. I was checking the papers of my students while listening to my mp3 when I saw this balut vendor riding on his bicycle pass by our house. Since I was in an Indian sit position, and was really surprised by the sudden appearance of this balut vendor that I was not able to open my mouth to utter "Balot!". So, he passed by again. But I was hopeful. since it was just around 4:30 p.m., I thought that he would come back (because for a long time, the balut vendor would pass by our street twice). So I waited.... again. And guess what??? The balut vendor did not pass by again that night. Sigh.

And so it was. I realize that my attitude toward the balut vendor is pretty much like my attitude when it comes to opportunities in love.

It's just that I have this notion that all you have to do is to wait for your prince charming to arrive. I still believe in that. But just like my attitude with the first balut vendor, I never really tried to express my feeling to another person, specifically the opposite sex. I feel ashamed. I somehow acted that if we're not meant to be, I'll have to wait for the next one. And it had happened to me several months after my ex and I broke up when I met this really nice guy. I wanted to tell him that I am attracted to him. And guess what...? He expressed his intentions! Not for me, but for my bestfriend. Sigh. The thing is, my friend likes another. Maybe, I should have expressed my feelings....... So, I thought, time to move on. Wait for the next man. Surely, there will be another.

And yes. just like the second balut vendor, another man came into my life. But just like my situation the second day of waiting for a balut vendor to arrive, I was so busy with a lot of things that I did not notice him, and I have a lot of worries to manage, and thoughts to listen to, that I let him pass me by. I thought, if we're meant to be, he will come back.
But just like that second balut vendor, he found shelter in the arms of another person. Poof!

So I decided I want to stay single until I am financially and emotionally stable.

Everytime I see my friends, their first question is: "Do you have a boyfriend already?" and I would just raise my eyebrows with a remark: "That's not my business yet!" A short laugh will follow afterwards.

So that's what I came to realize with my sudden crave for balut. It may be funny, or even weird, but sometimes, it may be true.

Although I am not desperate to have a boyfriend right now, it made me realize that next time, maybe, I should not simply wait for my prince charming to come. Maybe, I also have to exert effort. I have to learn how to express my feelings without degrading myself and my values. I also have to end my daydreams. Although I believe in destiny and i my faith is very much intact, I realized that we still have, at least, control of our fate.

And by the way, on the third night, I was able to call and shout "Balot!". I ate balut.

More surprisingly, just a while ago, my parents brought home 4 pieces of balut.

Hmmm...... sounds interesting! :p

me? gokusen??!!??!!

gokusen. i used to watch the tagalized chinovela of that manga series. somehow, i can relate to it. of course! because i am a teacher. and i used to teach in an exclusive for boys school. "used to" coz i'm now teaching at a parochial school. well, at least, i'm still working at a catholic school.

well, just want to share my experience with that school. let me give a name for it- marist school. a school founded and under the care of the marist brothers. it is actually the second school i have worked at.

my position as one of the teachers in that school came as a surprise. i was paranoid, and excited, and worried, and overjoyed, all at the same time. can't describe the exact feeling. but then again, it was all worth it.

i thought being in a very big school is hectic and stressful. in some ways, yes it was. just have to be thankful that i felt i was in a family... they accepted me and taught me everything they know to help me out. in the end, when it was my time to leave-or my last day in that school-- it was the reason i cried buckets of tears. it was not the school that is difficult to leave, it was my family in that school.

when it comes to my students... they're all different. they're all special. yes. believe it or not, i was handling what the rest of the teachers call as the "trouble sections", the "hoodlums"... in the middle of the school year, one of my colleagues asked me how i maintained my demure image and how i still manage to smile after each class in the midst of all the hoodlums that i have to handle and face five days a week. it was difficult for me to explain that i just have to be myself when i'm in front of these students. if they see me as demure, i say thanks. if not, more thanks.

truly, you have to be the tough boss to face these students. however, it was difficult for me to explain to my colleagues that i don't see them as hoodlums. i don't know, but i think it would be a surprise if i would enter their room with everyone in the room quiet as a mouse... maybe they're in for something.

i remember one of my students asking me right in the middle of the discussion: "teacher, mahal mo po ba ako?" (teacher, do you love me?) if it was somebody else in that particular class, it would be very easy to say "yes". but no. he was different. in fact, he's the most trouble maker in that class. the noisiest, the nastiest. he has no respect for anyone. but i want to emphasize his use for the word "po". he has respect for people. he was just often misinterpreted.

for about two seconds, i looked at him. i cannot hear a single noise in that classroom. it seemed that everybody was waiting for my answer. i just answered him with "ano ba sa pakiramdam mo?" (what do you think or feel?") he just gave his widest smile and told me: "ma'am, pakiramdam ko, love mo ako" (ma'am. i do feel that you do love me"). i just smiled and gave him a pat on his shoulder. But he added another question; "ma'am, mahal mo ba section namin?" his section, being the most notorious, most hated by the teachers (even their adviser hates them), was according to my colleagues, very difficult to love, and very easy to hate. i looked at my students--all of them waiting for me to answer that question. i felt the sudden tension. if i say no, it would definitely break their heart, if i say yes, they'll feel appreciated. at that time, i did not answer what my mind dictated me to answer. i answered what my heart dictated me to say.

i returned the question to them. "you're asking me if i do love your section. tell me with all honesty, how much do you love your teachers?" nobody answered my question.
"haven't you felt how much your teachers love you? all of us love you enough to think about your welfare everyday. if we don't love you, we teachers would not bother to go to your room and discuss the lessons, or to reprimand you for your misbehaviors, and forgive you for every headache and heartache that you give us for disrespect and misdemeanor you pass on to us. if we teachers don't love you, we will not care for you. tell me now, how much do you love your teachers?" nobody answered my question.

as i was about to continue my lesson, he asked again: "ma'am you haven't answered my question. do you love our section?" i laughed and smiled at them. i just gave them a simple answer: "kahit sobrang kukulit at maloloko kayo. kahit dami niyo kasalanan at kalokohan sa akin... di ko alam kung bakit, pero... sobra.... sobrang mahal ko section niyo." (even though you have given me a lot of headaches and heartaches, for some unknown reasons.... so much... i just love your section so much!)

i was expecting an uproar of the students, but there was none. i thought they did not take my answer seriously. but that student again added some words: "ma'am. totoo po yan? promise, hope to die?"(ma'am, is that true.......?") i just said: "i have always been vocal and honest about my feelings with you. when i'm mad, i tell you. when i'm happy, i tell it, too. when i feel hopeless, i let you know. tell me, why is there doubt? is it me who you're doubting, or yourselves being very much aware of how you treat your teachers? i have honestly answered your question. it's up to you if you'd believe it or not."

i was not expecting my students to really believe what i have told them. but for me, it was the truth. at that time, i don't know why that students asked me that question. i found out about it during lunch when all of the teachers are having their lunch at the faculty. from the very first subject, until mine, they have been cussed, hated by the other teachers. maybe they just needed assurance in a place that they are scared of. yes, it's right. somehow, they hated school and the teachers. i can't blame them. but i can't blame the other teachers as well.

it was one of those moment that i truly remember. i have a lot, of course! a surprise birthday greeting from an entire class (surprise coz i have been hiding my birthday, and they have been discreetly practicing for their presentation for me..hehehe), a rose from a student during the teacher's day... gifts during christmas... the list is endless. but somehow, the little thank you's are the most treasured ones. especially if that thank you came from a "hoodlum" as what they say.

i have a truckload of headaches, but that should not be highlighted. for me, i took those headcahes as learning lessons, even if they made my heart cry, i don't take it personally. they are MY students after all.

while i am still new to this profession, and i have a lot more to learn, i take everyday as a new day. being a teacher gives you a very unpredictable life... every single moment. and i enjoy it a lot.

now, let me ask you: how much do you love your teachers?