i don't like this feeling...

really. i don't.

it's just that i am having this feeling of leaving.... leaving a school perhaps?
i don't know...
but i'm thinking of my students.

i admit. even if most of my students are naughty, hard-headed, SOOOOO noisy and talkative, and sometimes immature, still, they are MY students.

but i feel tired. i feel tired of feeling that i am not really helping them out. i mean, it's just that i feel they are not learning anything from me... and it hurts. it really does.

i know there are issues about me, specifically when i gave a failing marks to some of the students. there were teachers who got mad, saying that i do not care for the students, for the parents.

but no. what they don't know is how much i love these students even if they hate me so much. i love them in a way that only few people and teachers would understand. what they missed is how difficult it is for me to fail them. what the others did not see is my intention.

i want my students to realize the value of hardwork. i want them to improve on whatever they do... i want them to feel real happiness from giving out the best that they have.... sure, nobody is perfect. i am not perfect myself. but everybody has the chance to improve.

if i don't love them, i could have easily given them a passing grade even if they did nothing. but i want to help them. i don't want them to be like babies: very dependent and spoon-fed. no. i don't wanna see them that way. i want them to at least be responsible and independent. people who can decide what is right and what is wrong for them. people who would not let others step on them, and people who would know how to respect others, as well. i don't want them to be vulnerable and very gullible. if it is wrong on wanting to see my students that way, then maybe, i should not have been a teacher at all.

at least for now, i have seen them working hard to earn not their grade, but what they really deserve.

i hope someday they would realize how much i love them...